- 18 Aug 07, 22:23#12531
"And Mansell was lucky not to be taken off by that RIDICULOUS bit of driving by Alliot!!" - James Hunt
"AAAAAND into the pitlane..... OHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" - Murray Walker
I thought I'd come up with a "script" for a scene for a so-called Top Gear Lost Episode which involves the return of the Black Stig. 
*Intro Credits Roll*
Jeremy Clarkson: Tonight on Top Gear... guess who's back... Hammond gets his teeth done... I test out a car that really has POWERRRR... a former F1 driver graces us with his prescence... and James drives the slowest car ever made.
*Intro Credits End*
Jeremy Clarkson: *Audience Applauds* Good evening! Now you'll remember a few years ago, our original Stig tried to see if he could reach 100mph in our Top Gear Jaguar and stop in time onboard the HMS Invincible... and he ended up in the sea, and we thought he was dead........... but we were wrong... ladies and gentlemen.... HE'S BACK FROM THE DEAD!!!
*Black Stig enters, with applause from the audience, the Black Stig is missing his glove which was recovered when he was being searched for, Clarkson hugs the Black Stig who doesn't react*
Jeremy Clarkson: Stiggy... you're back!! Where have you been all these years?
Black Stig: *silence*
Jeremy Clarkson: Now... we have something for you... *presents Black Stig with his missing glove* this is what the divers recovered when they were looking for you, and we thought you were dead. *to the audience* And now as the old Stig is back with us, we thought we'd get him a special "back from the dead present" for him to take round our track...
*camera cuts to the Top Gear Test Track to show the 1992 Andrea Moda F1 car*
Jeremy Clarkson: This is it... the 1992 Andrea Moda Formula One car, we tried to arrange for Black Stig to have a go in Lewis Hamilton's McLaren, but Ron Dennis told us to shove off so we got this instead... powered by a V8 Judd engine, a car which was only bettered by Nigel Mansell's Willaims FW14B...
*camera cuts to the Black Stig standing with his arms folded looking at the car rather unhappily*
Jeremy Clarkson: Oh yes, you can see how excited the Stig is at the sight of his back from the dead present, now let's see if he's still got the touch around our test track! *Stig is now in the Andrea Moda and accelerates away in it* And he's off!! *Stig comes into the first corner and the car being that crap is sliding all over the place* Now... oh dear, that car looks like it's all over the place! *Stig comes through Hammerhead with the car still handling like a shopping trolley* He's just oversteering and understeering all over the place! *Stig goes through the follow through very slowly, demonstrating how slow the Andrea Moda was* That has to be the slowest ever thing through the follow through!
James May: No Jeremy, that's exactly how you should drive, nice, smooth, controlled and not in a rush, either that or get some nice white new teeth like Hammond...
Richard Hammond: I HAVE NOT HAD MY TEETH DONE!!!!
*Stig struggles through the next few corners*
Jeremy Clarkson: Ok he's got the car this far but how will he go through the Hammerhead *Stig comes through Hammerhead and oversteers and ends up spinning on the exit of the corner and across the finish line* OOOH NO HE'S LOST IT but across the line in.................... I don't believe it!
Richard Hammond: What? Come on! Tell us! Slower than James?
Jeremy Clarkson: No... the stop-watch has stopped!! *Clarkson shows the camera the stop-watch at 99:99:99.999 and the audience laughs* But now it is time to put a Star in our Reasonably Priced Car... he's a former Formula One driver who... *Black Stig walks in* sorry Stig you've already had your go, why not go have a cup of tea with our newer Stig though? He'll be able to... *Black Stig takes off his helmet, revealing all along, Perry McCarthy - due to be the Star in the Reasonably Priced Car - was the Black Stig* ... oh god I don't believe it!! Ladies and Gentleman... PERRY MCCARTHY IS THE STIG!!! *audience applauds, Perry sits down* Perry, so you were the Stig all this time and you never told us...
Perry McCarthy: Yes Jeremy, it was me all along.
Jeremy Clarkson: I've got to ask you one question though Perry... what was it like being "dead"?
Perry McCarthy: Being dead? It was like driving that bloody Andrea Moda! I almost got killed once when they sent me out in that black wreck and didn't tell me the steering column was broken!!
*Intro Credits Roll*
Jeremy Clarkson: Tonight on Top Gear... guess who's back... Hammond gets his teeth done... I test out a car that really has POWERRRR... a former F1 driver graces us with his prescence... and James drives the slowest car ever made.
*Intro Credits End*
Jeremy Clarkson: *Audience Applauds* Good evening! Now you'll remember a few years ago, our original Stig tried to see if he could reach 100mph in our Top Gear Jaguar and stop in time onboard the HMS Invincible... and he ended up in the sea, and we thought he was dead........... but we were wrong... ladies and gentlemen.... HE'S BACK FROM THE DEAD!!!
*Black Stig enters, with applause from the audience, the Black Stig is missing his glove which was recovered when he was being searched for, Clarkson hugs the Black Stig who doesn't react*
Jeremy Clarkson: Stiggy... you're back!! Where have you been all these years?
Black Stig: *silence*
Jeremy Clarkson: Now... we have something for you... *presents Black Stig with his missing glove* this is what the divers recovered when they were looking for you, and we thought you were dead. *to the audience* And now as the old Stig is back with us, we thought we'd get him a special "back from the dead present" for him to take round our track...
*camera cuts to the Top Gear Test Track to show the 1992 Andrea Moda F1 car*
Jeremy Clarkson: This is it... the 1992 Andrea Moda Formula One car, we tried to arrange for Black Stig to have a go in Lewis Hamilton's McLaren, but Ron Dennis told us to shove off so we got this instead... powered by a V8 Judd engine, a car which was only bettered by Nigel Mansell's Willaims FW14B...
*camera cuts to the Black Stig standing with his arms folded looking at the car rather unhappily*
Jeremy Clarkson: Oh yes, you can see how excited the Stig is at the sight of his back from the dead present, now let's see if he's still got the touch around our test track! *Stig is now in the Andrea Moda and accelerates away in it* And he's off!! *Stig comes into the first corner and the car being that crap is sliding all over the place* Now... oh dear, that car looks like it's all over the place! *Stig comes through Hammerhead with the car still handling like a shopping trolley* He's just oversteering and understeering all over the place! *Stig goes through the follow through very slowly, demonstrating how slow the Andrea Moda was* That has to be the slowest ever thing through the follow through!
James May: No Jeremy, that's exactly how you should drive, nice, smooth, controlled and not in a rush, either that or get some nice white new teeth like Hammond...
Richard Hammond: I HAVE NOT HAD MY TEETH DONE!!!!
*Stig struggles through the next few corners*
Jeremy Clarkson: Ok he's got the car this far but how will he go through the Hammerhead *Stig comes through Hammerhead and oversteers and ends up spinning on the exit of the corner and across the finish line* OOOH NO HE'S LOST IT but across the line in.................... I don't believe it!
Richard Hammond: What? Come on! Tell us! Slower than James?
Jeremy Clarkson: No... the stop-watch has stopped!! *Clarkson shows the camera the stop-watch at 99:99:99.999 and the audience laughs* But now it is time to put a Star in our Reasonably Priced Car... he's a former Formula One driver who... *Black Stig walks in* sorry Stig you've already had your go, why not go have a cup of tea with our newer Stig though? He'll be able to... *Black Stig takes off his helmet, revealing all along, Perry McCarthy - due to be the Star in the Reasonably Priced Car - was the Black Stig* ... oh god I don't believe it!! Ladies and Gentleman... PERRY MCCARTHY IS THE STIG!!! *audience applauds, Perry sits down* Perry, so you were the Stig all this time and you never told us...
Perry McCarthy: Yes Jeremy, it was me all along.
Jeremy Clarkson: I've got to ask you one question though Perry... what was it like being "dead"?
Perry McCarthy: Being dead? It was like driving that bloody Andrea Moda! I almost got killed once when they sent me out in that black wreck and didn't tell me the steering column was broken!!
"And Mansell was lucky not to be taken off by that RIDICULOUS bit of driving by Alliot!!" - James Hunt
"AAAAAND into the pitlane..... OHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" - Murray Walker
