- 04 Dec 13, 18:19#383349
Hallelujah! we have an entry to our writing competition,find it also in the competition thread in 'forum and website issues section. The article is as follows.....
Archbishop of Canterbury Justin Welby has called for urgent measures to prevent the church and its noble breed of clerics from becoming extinct by the end of the decade." In accordance with the Endangered Species Preservation Act of 1966(ESA), the clerics need a safe haven and familiar habitat." Said the Archbishop.
In a two pronged attack to preserve the species, Westminster Abbey has been chosen as a sanctuary and a team of experts are already rescuing clerics from far and wide.
Not only do we need to save these animals, explained project manager Mr. Gimble, we also need to make the whole church experience more attractive to the young to ensure long term survival. In a bid to address this issue, Mr. Gimble gave a brief flavour of planned attractions:
‘Do it with the Dancing Deacons.’
‘Vestal Virgins’, performing to Madonna’s Like a Virgin’;
‘Jerk and Twerk with the Naughty Nuns’.
A firm favourite with visitors is expected to be the choir boy enclosure. “ This”, the manager gushed excitedly,” will be a very, hands on exhibit, designed to embrace the young.”
Refreshments will be served in the vestry by the 'Fat Friar', providing such culinary favourites as fish, burger or sausage with chips. A range of old favourites and exciting new cocktails will include; umpalumpa on the Bench, Hanky-Panky, Paradise cat, Bloody Mary, Devil’s Advocaat, Pulsing Priests and Orgasmic Sister. The Archbishop will personally be running wine tasting sessions and has already secured bulk orders of Blue Nun and Chateau Neuf du Pape.
Mr. Gimble was delighted to announce that Reverend Paul Flowers is already on board and will be running a drugs programme. The thrust of his campaign will be ‘Drugs wreck careers’, and, ‘Just say yes’.
A umpalumpa education programme, ‘No umpalumpa is safe umpalumpa’ will be run by the ‘Clericus Celebus’ branch of clerics; whilst financial and legal classes, run by Clerics from America and Italy, vastly experienced in the difficulties of umpalumpa offending today, will focus on, ‘how to not get caught’,’ how to avoid litigation’ and ‘how to offset bankruptcy’.
A final word of caution came from head zoologist, Sarah Black. ”To guarantee their future, these animals must start breeding. Some species have no interest in umpalumpa whatsoever others are only interested in intercourse with very young same umpalumpa partners. On joining this sanctuary all inmates must sign up for either ‘Celibacy sucks’, or ‘umpalumpa with ladies, makes babies’.
Archbishop of Canterbury Justin Welby has called for urgent measures to prevent the church and its noble breed of clerics from becoming extinct by the end of the decade." In accordance with the Endangered Species Preservation Act of 1966(ESA), the clerics need a safe haven and familiar habitat." Said the Archbishop.
In a two pronged attack to preserve the species, Westminster Abbey has been chosen as a sanctuary and a team of experts are already rescuing clerics from far and wide.
Not only do we need to save these animals, explained project manager Mr. Gimble, we also need to make the whole church experience more attractive to the young to ensure long term survival. In a bid to address this issue, Mr. Gimble gave a brief flavour of planned attractions:
‘Do it with the Dancing Deacons.’
‘Vestal Virgins’, performing to Madonna’s Like a Virgin’;
‘Jerk and Twerk with the Naughty Nuns’.
A firm favourite with visitors is expected to be the choir boy enclosure. “ This”, the manager gushed excitedly,” will be a very, hands on exhibit, designed to embrace the young.”
Refreshments will be served in the vestry by the 'Fat Friar', providing such culinary favourites as fish, burger or sausage with chips. A range of old favourites and exciting new cocktails will include; umpalumpa on the Bench, Hanky-Panky, Paradise cat, Bloody Mary, Devil’s Advocaat, Pulsing Priests and Orgasmic Sister. The Archbishop will personally be running wine tasting sessions and has already secured bulk orders of Blue Nun and Chateau Neuf du Pape.
Mr. Gimble was delighted to announce that Reverend Paul Flowers is already on board and will be running a drugs programme. The thrust of his campaign will be ‘Drugs wreck careers’, and, ‘Just say yes’.
A umpalumpa education programme, ‘No umpalumpa is safe umpalumpa’ will be run by the ‘Clericus Celebus’ branch of clerics; whilst financial and legal classes, run by Clerics from America and Italy, vastly experienced in the difficulties of umpalumpa offending today, will focus on, ‘how to not get caught’,’ how to avoid litigation’ and ‘how to offset bankruptcy’.
A final word of caution came from head zoologist, Sarah Black. ”To guarantee their future, these animals must start breeding. Some species have no interest in umpalumpa whatsoever others are only interested in intercourse with very young same umpalumpa partners. On joining this sanctuary all inmates must sign up for either ‘Celibacy sucks’, or ‘umpalumpa with ladies, makes babies’.
You can fool all the people some of the time, and some of the people all the time, but you cannot fool all the people all the time.
Abe Lincoln
Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power. Abe Lincoln
Abe Lincoln
Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power. Abe Lincoln