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[texasmr2]

...







Ferrari.

Keep it ontopic ok?

it was a joke... of the day!
just because you didnt find it funny tex McLarenFan found it funny as did i so its ontopic

I did not find it funny because it is not an actual joke, not because it was a stab at Ferrari.

[bud]

Its clever maybe thats why you dont find it funny


now thats a joke

[texasmr2]

Its clever maybe thats why you dont find it funny


now thats a joke

Yes it was clever and I can see the humour in it yet it is still not a 'true' joke. So anyway back to the topic:

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of B****es who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of *****es who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the B***H in the kitchen."

[texasmr2]

You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.......!'

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines. '

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk..

[texasmr2]

Medical Crisis
>>
>>
>> An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack.
>>
>> The family drove wildly to get him to the emergency room.
>>
>> After what seemed like a very long wait, the ER Doctor appeared, wearing
>> his scrubs and a long face.
>>
>> Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid he is brain-dead, but his heart is still
>> beating."
>>
>> "Oh, Dear God," cried his wife, her hands clasped against her cheeks
>> with shock!
>>
>> "We've never had a Democrat in the family before!"

[texasmr2]

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas.

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!

The Madam is astonished. 'But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal.

The trucker replies, 'Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny . . . . . . I'm homesick!

[texasmr2]

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid replies, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the sausage underneath the horse, instead of on top."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A ventriloquist was driving through the midwest when his car broke down. He walked a ways and found a farmer who would let him use his phone. Well, the farmer seemed to be a real stereotypical rural type, so the ventriloquist thought it would be possible to have some fun with him. The farmer began to lead him back to the house...

Along the way, they passed a horse. The ventriloquist said to the farmer, "Is this your horse?" The farmer replied, "Yep." The ventriloquist asked, "Can he talk?" The farmer said, "Nope." Then the ventriloquist then said to the horse, "So, how do you like it here?" He then threw his voice, and said in a horse-like voice, "Oh, it's pretty good. Every morning the farmer feeds me oats." Upon hearing this the farmer was startled and quickened his pace.

Soon they came to a cow. The ventriloquist asked, "Is this your cow?" and the farmer replied, "Yep." He then asked, "Does it talk?" and the farmer replied, "I..I don't think so." The ventriloquist asked the cow, "How do you like it here?" and threw his voice again. In a cow-like voice, he said, "Oh, I like it just fine. Every morning the farmer comes and milks me." Upon hearing this, the farmer squirmed. He looked down at the ground and continued walking.

Soon they came to some sheep. The ventriloquist asked, "Are these your sheep?" and the farmer replied, "Yep." He then asked, "Do they talk?" and the farmer exclaimed, "Yes, but they lie!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------

You May Be a Taliban If:

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You've often uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'
10. You have nothing against women ... and think every man should own at least one.
11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.
12. You have a crush on your neighbor's goat.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A police officer pulls over an elderly female for speeding while driving her husband to a doctors appointment. The officer approaches the vehicle and attempts to explain that he stopped her for speeding. She looks at her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The husband replies, "He said he stopped you for speeding." The officer asked the elderly female for her driver's license and she turned and asked her husband, "What did he say?
The husband replies, "he wants to see your driver's license."

The women hands the officer her license and he sees that she is from his old home town. The officer tells the couple that he remembered the town because he had the worst sexual experience of his life there. The women looks at her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The husband replies, "He says he thinks he knows you."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week. Then one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city. It wasn't quite the same without him.

A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round in the break room. Curious, she spoke up, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was
pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week"?

The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early at 6:30 am.

He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately. The woman said this might be a problem and asked if she could possibly be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes but said this would be okay.

She smiled and said, "Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45." She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up beating all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant person the entire round. The guys were impressed!

Back in the clubhouse they congratulated her and happily invited her back the next week. She smiled and said "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45".

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them with an even par round despite playing with her
off-hand. By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed. They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be showing
them up, but each man began to harbor a burning desire to beat her!

In the third week they all had their game faces on. But this week she was 15 minutes late! This had the guys irritable because each was determined to play the best round of golf of his life to beat her.. As they waited for
her, they figured her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her part. Finally she showed up.

This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, which was a good thing since she narrowly beat all three of them. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play; it was hard to keep a grudge against
her. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out!

Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their heads at her ability. They had a couple of beers after their round which helped the conversation loosen up. Finally one of the men could contain his curiosity no longer. He asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to
golf right-handed or left-handed"?

The lady blushed and grinned. She said, "That's easy. When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always had fun switching back and forth".

Then when I met my husband in college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude. From then on I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his "you-know-what" was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed and if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.

Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointed straight up in the air"?

She said, "Then I'm fifteen minutes late".

[madbrad]

I can only make Mrs Madbrad 2 minutes late.

[texasmr2]

I can only make Mrs Madbrad 2 minutes late.

EDIT: That gives me even more hope that I can get and keep a Mrs.tex

[scotty]

You May Be a Taliban If:

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You've often uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'
10. You have nothing against women ... and think every man should own at least one.
11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.
12. You have a crush on your neighbor's goat.

Haha, they're very good!

[darwin dali]

I can only make Mrs Madbrad 2 minutes late.

EDIT: That gives me even more hope that I can get and keep a Mrs.tex

He said 2 minutes - not 2 seconds

[bud]

I can only make Mrs Madbrad 2 minutes late.

EDIT: That gives me even more hope that I can get and keep a Mrs.tex

He said 2 minutes - not 2 seconds

thats abit harsh

[Hanwombat]

[texasmr2]

A Harley rider is passing the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly...

A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life."

The biker replies, "Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."

The reporter says, "Well, I'm a journalist from the New York Times, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you have?"

The biker replies, "I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican."

The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH !

[texasmr2]

HER DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior;

I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep -

I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.. My life is a disaster.



HIS DIARY:

Harley wouldn't start today can't figure it out, but at least I got laid.