- 22 Jan 16, 19:00#439179F1 tyres: A load of baloney
By Maurice Hamilton
I recently watched Sky Sports F1's Ted Kravitz spend 12 minutes manfully battling to explain the latest F1 tyre regulations with the help of Post-it Notes and his daughter's Play Doh. He did an excellent job but, no disrespect to Ted whatsoever, I couldn't help but think of a daft television sitcom from the 1990s.
Father Ted was about three priests sharing a house on Craggy Island, a fictional location somewhere off the west coast of Ireland. Father Ted had the task of dealing with Father Dougal -- not the brightest coin on the collection plate -- and Father Jack, a 'Feckin Drunk' as he might say loudly and frequently.
I'm only mentioning it because I'm sure this chaotic collection of eejits must have dreamed up the latest F1 tyre regulations. It can be no other way when you consider the rules were revised to improve F1 while, in the process, making it more difficult for the layman to understand.
Here's how Father Ted and his associates might cope when presented with the latest F1 technical conundrum.
So Ted, tell me, will I understand these new rules?
No Dougal, you will not.
Why's that, Ted?
It's like this, Dougal. There's the white, the yellow and the red. And now there's the purple, which is called the ultra-soft.
So that's softer than the soft? Have I got that right, Ted?
It's actually softer than the super-soft, Dougal. But don't worry yourself about that. Now here's the thing. At any one race, you could have the choice of three of them, except when the choice is two. And then you hand one of them back. Not sure which one, but don't worry about that for now. Are you with me so far?
I think so, Ted.
So, you have 13 sets for the weekend. In the first practice session you use the whites and hand one set back after 40 minutes. In the second session, you can try the yellows if you like. And you could even try the red -- or it might be the purple.
Oh, I'd do that, Ted. I like red. But is there no green?
Yes, there is Dougal. But that's for when it's raining.
We'd need the green here because it's always feckin raining.
Indeed, Dougal. As I was saying, you then have to give back those whites and yellows and reds -- or you could have the purple. But then on the next day you start again, again -- if you know what I mean.
A bit like you have to do when you're telling me something, Ted?
That's right, Dougal. So, for qualifying and the race, you have seven sets but only the white and the yellow can be used in the race and the Q3 fellas can use the red, but then they have to give them back as well.
Why's that, Ted? Do they get a discount if they're not used too much?
No, Dougal. It's too difficult to explain. Just remember that everyone has to start the race on the tyres they used in the second part of qualifying. Everyone has to give back one set, bar...
Bar! Where? Drink! Drink!
Not now, Father Jack. Not now.
Feck!
Where were we? Everyone bar the top 10 has to hand back one set. Now these fastest ten fellas are going into the final bit of qualifying, which is called Q3 even though they're looking to qualify first on the grid as opposed to being the first person to qualify, if you follow me. But before this, in the second part of qualifying, which is Q2, they had to decide that maybe the fastest tyre -- that would be the red or it could be the purple -- might be the quickest but they don't want to start the race with it because it might not last five minutes.
Why would they make a tyre like that, Ted?
Don't ask awkward questions, Dougal. So they use the yellow tyre in Q2 knowing it will be good for the race. But then some other cheeky fella in Q2 takes a chance and uses the red one -- or it could be the purple -- because he has nothing to lose, gets himself into Q3 and pisses off the quick guys.
Haven't a feckin clue what you're saying Ted, but that last bit sounds grand.
Haven't finished, Dougal. As I said, you're told you can only use two types of tyre for the race, but you don't have to.
Why's that, Ted.
No idea, Dougal. But here's another thing. Those boys who weren't in the fastest ten can do what they like.
Could they go home if they wanted, Ted?
They could, Dougal. But I think Father Bernard might take a dim view of it.
He owns the collection box, the church, the churchyard, he knows where the bodies are buried; the lot. Anyway, as I was saying, these fellas could run all day provided they don't have a problem with something called deg.
Keg? Keg! Drink! Drink!
No, Jack. Deg. It's short for degradation, which is what's happening to you faster than it should.
Feck!
Anyway, this deg basically stops them from driving fast.
But isn't that the point of this racing, Ted? Why would you want to do make them go slow?
Because that's too simple, Dougal. There's 23 clauses and 12 sub-clauses in the regulations to make sure it's nice and complicated, just to confuse Eddie Jordan.
That wouldn't be too difficult, Ted. Talking about EJ reminds me of his shirts and I have to ask why can't they do one of these tyres in pink?
Drink! Drink!
No, Jack. Pink! We're talking about tyres in F1 and how daft it is.
F1 Tyres? Feck! Feck!
Couldn't put it better myself, Father Jack.
Le coeur a ses raisons que la raison ne connaît point. 
