Joke of the Day

[andrew]

A G N B: That's bang out of order.

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Sí."
"Ja."

[LRW]

An English cat (called One Two Three) and French cat (called Un Deux Trois) had a swimming race from England to France.

Who won?

The English cat, One Two Three, because Un Deux Trois cat sank.

[scotty]

My cat died in the washing machine yesterday. At least it died in Comfort!

[Jabberwocky]

Is that a Persil-nal joke? was it's name Daz? do you know it's life story, or is it a Non Bio?

[scotty]

Very Bold of you to make such a joke.

[scotty]

There's a lot of scope for banter here so i hope people don't just Vanish without making a pun.

[andrew]

A female officer arrests a drunk. She warns him, "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you".

The drunk replies, "Boobs".

[andrew]

A Irish man goes to the doctors to get his neck x-rayed.

When the doctor shows him the x-ray he exclaims, "I don't remember eating all those bones!".

[What's Burning?]

What does the Air Force call a helicopter?
A helicopter.

What does the Army call a helicopter?
A chopper.

What does the Navy call a helicopter?
A helo.

What does a Marine call a helicopter?
Nothing. He just points at it and goes "Ungh! Ungh ungh!"

[What's Burning?]

What's the difference between apathy and empathy?

I don't know and I don't care.

[darwin dali]

[Jabberwocky]

CIVILIAN FRIENDS - Disown you for running around their house naked in front of a bunch of people none of you have ever met before
MILITARY FRIENDS - Take photos and then join you
CIVILIAN FRIENDS- Think its disgusting that you got so drunk you pissed your pants and drowned the phone in your pocket - in their bed
MILITARY FRIENDS-Upon hearing what happened say "That's duck - that's why I don't sleep with my mobile in my pocket anymore" and help you turn their mattress over
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Get upset if you are too busy to talk to them for a week
... MILITARY FRIENDS: Are glad to see you after many years; and will happily carry on the same conversation you were having last time you met.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Never ask for food
MILITARY FRIENDS: Are the reason you have no food
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr and Mrs
MILITARY FRIENDS: Call your parents Mum and Dad
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Bail you out of jail and then tell you what you did was wrong
MILITARY FRIENDS: Would be sitting next to you saying, 'Mate...we duck up ....but what a giggle?
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry
MILITARY FRIENDS: Cry with you
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Know a few things about you
MILITARY FRIENDS: Could write a book with a shed full of direct quotes from you
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will kick the backsides of whole crowds that left you behind
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Would knock on your door
MILITARY FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, 'I'm home, got any beer!
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Share a few experiences.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Share a lifetime of experiences no civilian could ever dream of.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will take your drink away when they think you've had enough
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place and say, "You had better drink the rest of that, don't waste it." Then they carry you home and put you safely to bed.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will talk crap to the person who talks crap about you.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will knock the crap out of people who use your name in vain
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Know where you buried the body
MILITARY FRIENDS: Helped you bury the body
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will call you 'mate' as a term of endearment
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will call you a 'w***er ' c*#t or 'tosser' as a term of endearment
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Are for a while.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Are for life.


it is funny because it is true

[What's Burning?]

They're called dykes because you stick your finger in them.

[darwin dali]

They're called dykes because you stick your finger in them.

Yikes!

[andrew]

What do you call a Mexican flasher?






















Senior Willie.