Joke of the Day

[texasmr2]

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady 'Do you have a v****a?' She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a v****a'? She slams the door again later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days.

The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'.

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'. She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. 'Do you have a v*****a? 'Yes' she says.

The man replies:

Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?


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I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at her.

The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked: “What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid …“Got stoned once and ****ed a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my daughter???

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[McLaren]

What do you call a Mexican that can swim ?...........an American

[texasmr2]

What do you call a Mexican that can swim ?...........an American

[texasmr2]

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

What did I tell you? said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

Hey, son! May I ask you a question?
Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar the game's over!"

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At Heathrow, a 300-foot long red carpet is stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strides to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II. They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London where they board an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white matching horses. They ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all is going well. Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of gastronomic flatulence ever heard in the British Empire, including Bermuda, Tortola and the Falkland Islands. It shakes the coach. Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decides that's ridiculous.

She turns to Mr. Bush and explains, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."
George W. Bush, ever the gentleman, replies, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses...."

[texasmr2]

The Pirate

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A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.'
'What do you mean?' said the pirate. 'Aye.. I feel fine.'
'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'
'We were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.'
'OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?'
'In another battle I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off and I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really.'
'Ok what about that eye patch?'
'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them dropped poop in my eye.'
'You're kidding. You lost an eye from bird poop?'
'Well... It was my first day with the hook.'


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Italian Virgin

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Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very nervous.
Her mother reassured her; 'Donna worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll taka good care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta.'
So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.'
'Donna worry, Maria,' says the mother, 'all good men hava the hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll taka good care of you.'
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. 'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!'
'Donna worry! All a the good men hava the hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll taka good care of you.'
So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!'

Her Mama frantically said, 'Staya here and stirra the pasta.'

[texasmr2]

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on with his eyebrow raised, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete sausage."

[McLaren]

Every day snow white used to go down to the mine where the 7 dwarfs worked and gave them their lunch.Day in day out she kept it up until one day there was a tradgedy and the mine collapsed.she called out "is there anyone there" no reply.Just as she was about to give up she gave it one last try "is there anyone there".At last a reply Schumacher will be champion and ferrari will win the constructers championship.
With that Snow white breathes as sigh if relief at least dopey is alright .

[What's Burning?]

A neutron walks into a bar and gets a drink, asks the bartender how much... the bartender says for you NO CHARGE!

[andrew]

I was driving in the car the other day and I accidently rear ended the car in front. Anyhoo the driver gets out and I realise that he is a dwarf. He walks up to the driver's side window and says "I'm not Happy", to which I replied "OK, then which one are you?".

One day, George and Mabel are sitting in the lounge of the nursing home where they live. They have become good friends and want to move things on further so as to avoid dying alone. In order to get some privacy, they decide to meet in a quiet corner of the nursing home grounds once a week and sit together for a while. After doing this for a few weeks George says to Mabel, "I wish I could have umpalumpa again, even just once before I die" to which Mabel replies "But we're both too old, and beside you won't be able to .... you know ... rise to the occasion". After a bit of thought they decide that Mabel will just hold Little George whilst they sit together. So they did this for a couple of weeks. Then one afternoon, Mabel is making her way towards her and George's usual bench when, to her shock and horror, she sees George sitting with Ethel who is performing the same duties as she usually does. "How could you George?" she cries, "And with her! What's she got that I haven’t?". George looks up with a slight grin and says "Parkinson’s".

And as if I couldn't lower the tone any further:

A junior doctor is on a visit to the local mental hospital. As he and the chief doctor are walking along the corridor, they are looking through the peepholes into the cells. The first patient is dressed in tennis whites and is holding a racket and a ball. The chief doctor explains "This patient thinks he's a world champion tennis player". "Fair enough" says the junior doctor and they move on. At the next cell they look through the peephole and see a patient sitting wearing tails and holding a conductors stick. This time, the chief doctor explains, "This patient thinks he conducts The London Philharmonic Orchestra". "Fair enough" says the junior doctor and they move on again. At the 3rd peephole, they observe a man, sitting naked on the floor of his cell balancing a peanut on the end of his old fella and masturbating furiously. "What's wrong with this patient?" asks the junior doctor. The chief doctor replies "No idea. We just think he is f*****g nuts."

[What's Burning?]

Wife: Honey, I've just come back from the visit to my gynecologist office... he said no s.e.x for at least two weeks.

Husband: and what did your dentist or your proctologist say?

[darwin dali]

Wife: Honey, I've just come back from the visit to my gynecologist office... he said no s.e.x for at least two weeks.

Husband: and what did your dentist or your proctologist say?

[andrew]

A couple had a child that was born with an unusual affliction - it had no eye lids. Their doctor advised the couple that they should visit a friend of his who was a surgeon. It just so happened that this surgeon specialised in circumcisions. The surgeon suggested that he could reuse a couple of foreskins to create artificial eyelids. Unfortunately the parents refused this offer. They were worried that their child would look cock-eyed.

[Hammer278]

Wife: Honey, I've just come back from the visit to my gynecologist office... he said no s.e.x for at least two weeks.

Husband: and what did your dentist or your proctologist say?

[Hammer278]

I thought the first 11 seconds of this video was good enough to be a joke. Made me laugh.

[youtube]KOVnEE1jcUs&feature=fvwrel[/youtube]

[texasmr2]

I thought the first 11 seconds of this video was good enough to be a joke. Made me laugh.

[youtube]KOVnEE1jcUs&feature=fvwrel[/youtube]

The least amount of brains, I could not have said it better myself !!!