FORUMula1.com - F1 Forum

[darwin dali]

IDIOT SIGHTING

I handed the teller at my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00
I said "May I have large bills, please"

She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."
When I got up off the floor I explained it to her....

IDIOT SIGHTING
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His reply: 'I know. I already got that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS


IDIOT SIGHTING
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.

He said, 'NO, it's not..' Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used Sears repair since.


IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.

Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.

She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.

She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.

I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.'

The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.


IDIOT SIGHTING

I live in a semi rural area.

We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office

to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.

The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!

I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

From Kingman , KS


IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.

She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
-- From Kansas City


IDIOT SIGHTING
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,

'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'

To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'

He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.



IDIOT SIGHTING
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.

I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS




IDIOT SIGHTING
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,'

our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.'

Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.


IDIOT SIGHTING
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself

and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.




IDIOT SIGHTING

How would you pronounce this child's name?
"Le-a"
Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.

This child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo.

Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.

It's pronounced "Ledasha".

When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."

SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.

If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.



STAY ALERT!

They walk among us......and they VOTE ..

And they reproduce!

[vlad]

Hahahaha, fantastic!

The Mac situation is overpowering, haha!

[Hammer278]

3 mice were verbally wanking about their separate exploits at home during a drink in a bar. Mouse 1 says "Vermin don't come as tough as me, my 'owners' bought a trap the other day and I made it my past time. What I do is purposely release the catch and when the door slams shut I catch it with my teeth and do a 100 sit-ups just to get my day going". Mouse 2 states "That's nothing, my folks invested in this thing called rat poison though it fits perfectly well in my breakfast diet to give me my early morning buzz". Mouse 3 sighs and says "Well, that's my 3 beers, nice chinning with you boys. I'm of to f**k our new pet cat".

[What's Burning?]

A young groom truly in love with his bride decided to have her name tattooed on his pen!s as an affirmation of his commitment. Her name was Wendy. The tattoo was done while the pen!s was erect so when it was flaccid, all you could see of it was the letters WY.

Shortly after the couple was married they were honeymooning in Jamaica. While in a bathroom there, the young man noticed a Jamaican man standing next to him in using the adjacent urinal. What was very interesting to our young newlywed, was that this Jamaican also had a WY on his duck!

The young man worked up enough courage to ask.... and finally said, I notice you've also got the letters WY tattooed on your pen!s "is your girl named Wendy too?"

The Jamaican man replied in a thick Jamaican accent... "Nooo Maaan, that tattoo say... Welcome to Jamaica Have a Nice Day.

[texasmr2]

[What's Burning?]

A man walks into his bedroom one day and sees his wife packing a suitcase. "What are you doing?" he asks. "I'm moving to Vegas," she says. "I've heard the prostitutes there get paid $400 a time for what i do free of charge for you." Later, on her way out, she sees her husband packing a case too. "Where are you going?" she asks. "I'm coming to Vegas as well" he says, "I want to see how you survive on $800 a year."



A woman calls the doctor and says... DOCTOR! DOCTOR! “These hormone pills you’ve put me on are having some weird side-effects,” she bursts frantically. “Reeeaaally?” asks the doctor... “What do you mean side-effects can you describe them?” So she says... “For some reason I’ve now got hair on my chest.” the doctor replies... mam, man, I need you to calm down... I've been practicing medicine for 20 years and I've never once over prescribed those....“How far does the hair go down?” she says. “All the way down to my d!ck.”

[F1er]

A guy walks into a doctors office with a 5 iron wrapped around his neck and 2 black eyes. "What happened to you?" asked the doctor. "Well it all started when my wife and I were golfing and by accident she hit the ball into a cow field. When we went to investigate, I saw the ball in a cow's bottom. I went and lifted the tail of the cow and that's when I made my mistake." The doctor looked puzzled and asked, "What mistake was that?"
"I said 'Hey this looks like yours hun!'"



A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have umpalumpa when the girl stopped.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for umpalumpa." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."


A very naive British sailor is in a bar in London. He meets a wild girl, and she takes him upstairs. She takes off her pants and her panties.

He looks between her legs, and he says, "What's that?"

She says, "It's me lower mouth."

He says, "What do you mean, 'your lower mouth?'"

She says, "Just what I said, it's me lower mouth. It's got a moustache... It's got lips..."

He asks, "Has it got a tongue in it?"

She says, "Not yet. . ."

[F1er]

Letter to Redneck Son

Dearest Son

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last
Gander family that lived here took the house numbers
when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice.
It even has a washing machine.
I'm not sure about it.
I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain.
We haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

Auntie Maude has sent you a pair of socks she knit,
she put a third one in because she heard you have grown
another foot since she last saw you.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Jimmy locked his keys in the car yesterday.
We were really worried because it took him two hours
to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Bobby fell into a whiskey vat last week.
Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck.
Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back.
They drowned because they couldn't get
the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time.
Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt,

Mom

[darwin dali]

A man comes home and finds his wife packing her things. Honey, what are you doing? Where are you going? he asked.
She replied: Well, I heard you are a pedophile, so I'm leaving you!
He goes: Hm, that's a mighty big word for a ten-year old, sweetie...

[What's Burning?]

A man comes home and finds his wife packing her things. Honey, what are you doing? Where are you going? he asked.
She replied: Well, I heard you are a pedophile, so I'm leaving you!
He goes: Hm, that's a mighty big word for a ten-year old, sweetie...

EWWW.

[vlad]

So goddamn terrible, that you gotta laugh!

[darwin dali]

Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and
decided that, in spite of two different specialties they would open a
practice together to share office space and personnel. Dr. Smith was a
psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was proctologist.

They put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias
and Posteriors"

The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids"

This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign:
"Catatonics and High Colonics" No go.

Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives"...
thumbs down again.

Then came "Minds and Behinds"... still no good.

Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes"...
unacceptable again!

So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts"... not a chance.

"Nuts and Butts"... no way.

"Freaks and Cheeks"... still no good.

"Loons and Moons"... forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with:


"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones----- Odds and Ends"

Everyone loved it.

[Bruno_Brazil]

Genial!!

[texasmr2]

[darwin dali]

TAKING A WOMAN TO BED

What is the difference between girls/women
Aged 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78?

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At 8

You take her to bed and tell her a story

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At 18

You tell her a story and take her to bed

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At 28

You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed

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At 38

She tells you a story and takes you to bed

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At 48

She tells you a story to avoid going to bed

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At 58

You stay in bed to avoid her story

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At 68

If you take her to bed, that'll be a story

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At 78

What story? What bed?
Who the hell are you?

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According to the Office for National Statistics

190,374 people are having umpalumpa right now.

212,130 are kissing.

And one poor ole fart is reading forum posts.

You hang in there sunshine!