FORUMula1.com - F1 Forum

[hamilton08]

HER DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior;

I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep -

I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.. My life is a disaster.



HIS DIARY:

Harley wouldn't start today can't figure it out, but at least I got laid.

[texasmr2]

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth,

"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

[Hanwombat]

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth,

"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

[texasmr2]

A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune.

"One Marine is better than ten Taliban".

The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune where upon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes,
then silence.

The voice then calls out "One Marine is better than a hundred Taliban soldiers".

Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The Marine voice calls out, "One Marine is better than one thousand Taliban".

The enraged Taliban commander musters a thousand fighters and sends them over the dune. Cannon, rocket, and machine gun fire rings out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.

Finally one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, it's a trap. There's two of them".

[texasmr2]

Not me it's just the way the joke was written.

I recall my first time with a condom. I was 16 years old and went in to buy a packet of condoms at the censored. There was a beautiful female assistant behind the counter and she could see that I was new to this. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

I answered honestly, "Well, not exactly; this is my first time." So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to always make sure it was on tight and secure. I nodded yes but apparently I still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was.

"Just a minute," she said, as she walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. "Do these excite you?", she asked. I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head rapidly and smile. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.

As I slipped it on nice and secure, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay back on the desk. "Well, come on", she said, "We don't have much time."

So I climbed up on the desk and entered her. It felt so wonderful that unfortunately I couldn't hold back and KAPOW!!, I was done within just a minute, if even that long.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. "Did you put that condom on?", she
asked.

I said, "I sure did",,,,,,,,and held up my thumb to show her.

[darwin dali]

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, You wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it's only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things"

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still really wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,

'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

Reposte, but still funny.

[Jamie]

Michael Schumacher’s wife tells her husband she doesn’t want turkey for Christmas this year. Michael, somewhat shocked replies: “How about I buy you Denmark instead?”

[texasmr2]

As men age we start seeing more of the medical world which nowadays, seems to include an increasing number of women as our physicians and therapists.
In my case it is a new urologist.

My family doctor recently referred me to a just out of medical school female urologist. I saw her yesterday and she's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous as well as unbelievably sexy.

She told me that I must stop masturbating.

I asked her why.


She said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

[texasmr2]

A man is walking through the desert when suddendly he finds a Coke bottle. He opens it up, and surprise - a genie pops out of it!

Hello - says the genie. I'm the single wish genie, at your service.

So the man says: Okay, then I'll want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to get along.

-Get real, buddy. These countries have been fighting for five thousand years! And frankly, I'm good, but I'm not that good. Ask something else.

-Well... I've never found the ideal woman. I would like to have a hot, young, faithful woman, with a sense of humor, who likes to have umpalumpa, to cook, to clean the house, to watch football, that isn't jealous, and that isn't in love with credit cards.

The genie sighs and say:

-Let me see the damn map again...

[Hanwombat]

A man is walking through the desert when suddendly he finds a Coke bottle. He opens it up, and surprise - a genie pops out of it!

Hello - says the genie. I'm the single wish genie, at your service.

So the man says: Okay, then I'll want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to get along.

-Get real, buddy. These countries have been fighting for five thousand years! And frankly, I'm good, but I'm not that good. Ask something else.

-Well... I've never found the ideal woman. I would like to have a hot, young, faithful woman, with a sense of humor, who likes to have umpalumpa, to cook, to clean the house, to watch football, that isn't jealous, and that isn't in love with credit cards.

The genie sighs and say:

-Let me see the damn map again...

Too true

[texasmr2]

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some
bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice
and coffee?" He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry
right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge
off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a
bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" He declines.
"The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you
like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe
a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?" He declines again. "No,"
he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says , "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

[Jamie]

A man is walking through the desert when suddendly he finds a Coke bottle. He opens it up, and surprise - a genie pops out of it!

Hello - says the genie. I'm the single wish genie, at your service.

So the man says: Okay, then I'll want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to get along.

-Get real, buddy. These countries have been fighting for five thousand years! And frankly, I'm good, but I'm not that good. Ask something else.

-Well... I've never found the ideal woman. I would like to have a hot, young, faithful woman, with a sense of humor, who likes to have umpalumpa, to cook, to clean the house, to watch football, that isn't jealous, and that isn't in love with credit cards.

The genie sighs and say:

-Let me see the damn map again...

Lmao! arr Tex my borther. My kind of joke

[McLaren]

An Irishman is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He immediately dials 999.




Irishman: ''It's my wife! I've accidentally shot her, I've killed her!''



Operator: ''Please calm down Sir, can you first make sure she is actually dead!''


*click* *BANG*



Irishman: ''Okay, done that. What next?''

[RA Dunk]

lol thats going to go down like the titanic with the irish peeps on here

[McLaren]

I'm sure they can take a joke,I get enough aimed at me coming from Norfolk