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[Mikep99]

THE INDIAN WITH ONE TESTICLE

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,
'If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.

He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

What is the moral of this story?????

OH, Come on...take a guess!



Think about it............



YOU CAN'T KILL TWO BIRDS WITH ONE STONE!!!!



Another one


A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to s*** yourself when I tell you the price.'

[Mikep99]

[McLaren Fan]

[texasmr2]

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it Costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind Of car ya got there, Sonny?" The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"

That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly. The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?" "No problem," replies the doctor. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right...but I'll stick with my Moped!" Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the Speedometer reads 150 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks Himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and Passes the Moped at 210 mph. WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!

He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old Man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do! Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the Rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my gosh! Is there Anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers, "Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror."

[texasmr2]

True story- a man was caught screwing a pumpkin by a cop so the cop ask "Hey are you screwing that pumpkin?" In the best comeback ever the guy says "oh my god, is it past midnight already"?

In some small town somewhere in this great big wide world a brother was having umpalumpa with his sister, go figure right !

Sister: Hey you 'do it' just like daddy does !
Brother: Yeh that's what mom tell's me !

[texasmr2]

Two guys driving down the road when they spot a male dog licking his privates.

1st guy: Man I wish I could do that!
2nd guy: Careful man you might get bit !!

[texasmr2]

If a guy breaks into youre home, pray to God!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers to his wife, "Listen this guy's an escaped convict - look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants umpalumpa, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you, too."

[McLaren Fan]

[Hanwombat]

love it

[texasmr2]

A girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled "we were counting today and all the other
kids could only count to 4, but I counted to 10. See?
1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10! Very good, said her mother.
Is it because I'm blonde? "Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the Mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. " Mommy, Mommy,"
she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, all the other kids
could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,B,C,D,E,F,G!
"Very good," said her mother. Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy? "Yes it's because you're blonde!

The following day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy,
Mommy," she yelled, "we were in Gym class today, and when we showered
all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" She lifted her
tank top to reveal a pair of 36C's. "Very good," said her embarrassed
mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "No Honey, it's because you're 24."
------------------------------------------------------------------------

One day, Steve and his son decide to go to the BIG CITY. Having lived in Wales all their lives, they have never been to a shopping mall and decide to visit one while in the BIG CITY.

Once at the mall, everything they see blows their minds, especially a pair of shiny walls that keep sliding open and shut.
Having never seen an elevator before, the son asks Steve what it is.
"Son," Steve says, "I have never seen anything like this in my life."

At that moment, a fat woman in a wheelchair rolls up and presses a button. The walls open and she enters a tiny room behind them. The walls then close and the pair watch in awe as a set of sequential numbers light up above them. They continue to stare as the numbers then light up in reverse order. When the walls finally reopen, a gorgeous blonde woman steps out.

"Son," Steve says to his boy, "run home and get your mother."
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

[texasmr2]

A professor at Auburn University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. Getting a feel for his students, he asks “How many of you believein ghosts?” About 80 of his students raise their hands.

“That’s a good start I suppose. Those of you who believe in ghosts, how many have actually seen a ghost?” About 30 students raise their hands.

“That’s good. I’m really glad you’re taking this seriously. Ok, has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?” About a dozen students raise their hands.

“That’s a great response. Has anyone ever touched a ghost?” Two students raise their hands. “That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one last question… have any of you ever made love to a ghost?”

One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He removes his glasses, takes a step back, and says, “Son, in all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever actually claimed to have slept with a ghost. Why don’t you come up here and tell us about it.”

The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, “Well, tell us what it’s like to have umpalumpa with a ghost.”

The student replies, “Ghost? Oh… I thought you said ‘goats’!”

[shani182]

...







Ferrari.

[Gaz]

...







Ferrari.

[texasmr2]

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Ferrari.

Keep it ontopic ok?

[bud]

...







Ferrari.

Keep it ontopic ok?

it was a joke... of the day!
just because you didnt find it funny tex McLarenFan found it funny as did i so its ontopic