Joke of the Day

Just as it says...
What's Burning?
Banned
Posts: 21486
Joined: 24 Feb 10, 00:09
Favourite Driver: Lewis Hamilton, Nico Hulkenberg
Favourite Team: Porsche North America, Porsche LMP1
Location: PULL IN CASE OF FIRE

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by What's Burning? »

Q: What do you call a camel with FOUR humps?
A: a Saudi Quattro.
"I don't want to be part of a forum where everyone has differing opinions." Boom...
Hammer278
Banned
Posts: 13126
Joined: 29 Mar 10, 10:05
Favourite Driver: The best in Formula 1.
Favourite Team: BMW DTM
Location: Land of Petronas

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Hammer278 »

What do you call a good loser?

A loser. - Ecclestone
Breaking News: Lewis Hamilton has officially overtaken The Fonz in race wins. With 88 races less. Lol (Without a specially built blown diffuser, illegal front wing, preferential treatment)
andrew
I disagree
Posts: 12986
Joined: 02 Apr 10, 19:39
Location: Somewhere over there

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by andrew »

What do you call a Mexican transexual flasher?

Senior Fanny.
User avatar
Pirleli
Posts: 24
Joined: 29 Apr 13, 00:50
Favourite Driver: Perez
Favourite Team: Sauber

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Pirleli »

Just thought I'd share this link to everyone :rofl:

http://jobmob.co.il/blog/funniest-resume-mistakes/

“Career break in 1999 to renovate my horse”
Achievements: “Nominated for prom queen”
Hobbies: “Having a good time”
“Planned new corporate facility at $3 million over budget.”
“Finished eighth in my class of ten"
Awards: “National record for eating 45 eggs in two minutes.”

:rofl:
User avatar
Jabberwocky
Mod
Posts: 16412
Joined: 31 Jul 07, 19:51
Favourite Driver: 5 Iron
Favourite Team: Williams
Location: Oxford

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Jabberwocky »

45 eggs in 2 minutes that is some feat
Image
A racing car that does not win, is just art
User avatar
racechick
Missing Mod
Posts: 23581
Joined: 03 Aug 07, 11:08
Favourite Driver: Lewis Hamilton
Favourite Team: Mercedes AMG Petronas
Location: Nottinghham UK

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by racechick »

Some of those were funny :hehe: But I don't know why they object to coloured and fancy font, gel pens and clip art. Shows creativity and makes the reading more interesting :)
You can fool all the people some of the time, and some of the people all the time, but you cannot fool all the people all the time.
Abe Lincoln


Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power. Abe Lincoln
andrew
I disagree
Posts: 12986
Joined: 02 Apr 10, 19:39
Location: Somewhere over there

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by andrew »

It doesn't look very professional if it looks like a 5 years old went wild with the clip art.

How does one go about renovating a horse?
User avatar
Jabberwocky
Mod
Posts: 16412
Joined: 31 Jul 07, 19:51
Favourite Driver: 5 Iron
Favourite Team: Williams
Location: Oxford

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Jabberwocky »

The RAF have a lot of stewards and stewardess...
Image
A racing car that does not win, is just art
User avatar
Jabberwocky
Mod
Posts: 16412
Joined: 31 Jul 07, 19:51
Favourite Driver: 5 Iron
Favourite Team: Williams
Location: Oxford

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Jabberwocky »

Image
A racing car that does not win, is just art
andrew
I disagree
Posts: 12986
Joined: 02 Apr 10, 19:39
Location: Somewhere over there

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by andrew »

A panda walks into a bar and spots a good looking woman at the bar. So he walks up and offers to buy her a drink, which she accepts, and the two get to chatting. Eventually they end up going to back to her place and spend a wild night of passion. In the morning the woman says to the panda, "that's £50 you owe me.” The panda is confused by this and asks why. "I'm a prostitute" replies to them woman. Confused, the panda asks what a prostitute is. The woman gets a dictionary off a nearby shelf and looks up prostitute and shows the panda. "Has umpalumpa for money" reads the panda. So the panda says he's not paying. "Why not?" asks the prostitute. The panda gets the dictionary and looks up panda and tells the prostitute to read what it says - "Panda - eats shoots and leafs".
User avatar
sagi58
Posts: 10204
Joined: 23 Jul 13, 22:05
Favourite Driver: He Who Drives for Ferrari!!
Favourite Team: Scuderia Ferrari
Location: 5 miles North of "X"!

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by sagi58 »

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding..

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.

Traffic Cop: Don't have one?

Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Traffic Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Traffic Cop: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Traffic Cop: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Traffic Cop: You what!?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up.
Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car,
clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The traffic cop is quite stunned.

Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license quizzically.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you
didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!

Older Woman: Bet the lying bar steward told you I was speeding, too.
ImageAfter the agony of defeat, success will be sweet!
User avatar
sagi58
Posts: 10204
Joined: 23 Jul 13, 22:05
Favourite Driver: He Who Drives for Ferrari!!
Favourite Team: Scuderia Ferrari
Location: 5 miles North of "X"!

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by sagi58 »

Pretty silly; but, funny just the same:

[youtube]YjXGywPzkw0[/youtube]
ImageAfter the agony of defeat, success will be sweet!
User avatar
AngelOfDeath
Posts: 137
Joined: 01 Aug 13, 10:53
Favourite Driver: Kimi Raikkonen & Fernando Alonso
Favourite Team: Ferrari
Location: Scotland

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by AngelOfDeath »

Not sure, whether this joke has already been heard,,,quite immature though.

Man: Doctor, doctor, my p****is turned orange

Doctor: does this run in your family?

Man: no

Doctor: does this happen occasionally?

Man: no

Doctor: then I don't understand, how does this happen?

Man: I watch p**n all day, and eat cheesy watsits :thumbup:
Oman I am so Hungary, so Iran after Turkey, I slipped on Greece and broke China, 'nough said.
User avatar
Jabberwocky
Mod
Posts: 16412
Joined: 31 Jul 07, 19:51
Favourite Driver: 5 Iron
Favourite Team: Williams
Location: Oxford

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Jabberwocky »

I'm sure we all know someone who fits into one of the 45 quotes, whether we're uniformed or civilian

These are just brilliant, and taken from Naval Reports!

1. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

2. I would not breed from this Officer.

3. This man is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot.

4. This officer can be likened to a small puppy - he runs around excitedly, leaving little messes for other people to clean up.

5. This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, more of a definitely won't-be.

6. When she opens her mouth, it seems only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

7. Couldn't organise 50% leave in a 2 man submarine

8. He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

9. He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

10. Technically sound, but socially impossible.

11. The occasional flashes of adequacy are marred by an attitude of apathy and indifference.

12. When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.

13. This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

14. This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope, always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

15. Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

16. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

17. He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

18. This Officer should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.

19. In my opinion this pilot should not be authorised to fly below 250 feet.

20. The only ship I would recommend for this man is citizenship.

21. Couldn't organise a woodpecker's picnic in Sherwood Forest.

22. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

23. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

24. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

25. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

26. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

27. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

28. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

29. It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm.

30. A room temperature IQ.

31. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

32. A gross ignoramus, 143 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

33. He has a photographic memory but has the lens cover glued on.

34. He has been working with glue too long.

35. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.

36. This man hasn't got enough grey matter to sole the flip-flop of a one legged budgie.

37. If two people are talking, and one looks bored, he's the other one.

38. One-celled organisms would out score him in an IQ test.

39. He donated his body to science before he finished using it.

40. Fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

41. He's so dense, light bends around him.

42. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

43. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.

44. Takes him 1.1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.

45. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is long dead
Image
A racing car that does not win, is just art
User avatar
Jabberwocky
Mod
Posts: 16412
Joined: 31 Jul 07, 19:51
Favourite Driver: 5 Iron
Favourite Team: Williams
Location: Oxford

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Jabberwocky »

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are - my - test - results - back?"
Image
A racing car that does not win, is just art